hiding is comfortable.
hiding my face…
hiding in the dark, hurting…
hiding is comfortable.
curled on my bed in a blanket in the dark
listening to billie eilish
sometimes i wonder,
what is my place in the world?
sometimes i think i have learned
and then
here i am again
in the same place.
who am i again?
what is my place in my world?
i need to let go.
i need to be ok.
i am afraid of the darkness,
of losing control,
of revisiting old places.
you are my hiding place
you always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
whenever i am afraid
i will trust in you.
___
i remember when luke almost died,
and the pastor said that God showed up.
it was silly because God is ever-present.
but what about me? when do i show up?
“you show up to the fight again and again.”
but what does it mean to show up?
to acknowledge one’s shortcomings and imperfections?
to pursue growth?
and what does it mean to pursue growth?
to sink one’s roots deep into God’s love?
to lift one’s face to the rain?
to turn one’s face to the sun?
i turn my face to the sun;
you are my warmth.
i lift my face to the rain;
you are my cleansing.
i sink my roots deep into your love;
you are my home.
___
i am not the lone ranger, but i am lone.
my friend memes of dating herself;
my brother asks why communication is weird.
i am so alone, so wrapped up in my own thoughts,
i have learned to solve my own problems
alone.
i forget to ask for help;
i forget that i can ask for help.
i drown in self-imposed isolation.
i fear others’ input,
fear that asking for help will make things worse.
but you, o Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
and if it’s true that you created me for community,
then yes it’s hard, but it is good.
will i settle for easy and less-than-best?
soften my heart toward your people;
make me willing to live a thousand lives;
strengthen my shoulders to bear others’ burdens,
as they have borne mine.
Velella 